Depression · Inspiration

I can’t BRAIN today.

Before I begin, here’s a BIG DISCLAIMER: this is not a cry for help, or a RED FLAG, or a whine for pity. This is just me relating through writing, my latest stumble, my glitch, my little detour off the rails.

Maybe someone reading this will say, “Oh, my gosh – ME TOO!” Maybe not. But I think those of us who live with some forms of mental illness, like depression or anxiety, or with brain differences that challenge us, like ADHD or dyslexia, must all go through these times when we just get tired of holding it together, exhausted from checking and rebuilding that scaffolding that holds up our lives. We get tired of making sure our medication is filled, and our responsibilities are all logged on our calendars with multiple reminders. We stumble, and stuff starts falling through the cracks.

For me, it was missing the call from the pharmacy last week. So my meds didn’t get filled in time.

I love those mugs and t-shirts with the writing on them that says, “I can’t BRAIN today.”

That’s what I feel. I can’t BRAIN. My sleeping and waking clock is turned off. The thought of taking a shower and washing my hair is overwhelming. I know I should eat, but I don’t.

The brain that makes me function like a regular human just isn’t doing it right now. The simplest things are like swimming through peanut butter.

And yet, the other part of my brain, the one that thinks about things, worries, obsesses, buzzes constantly, is in overdrive. I can’t let go of things like the Oregon shootings, poverty, my sons’ lives, world hunger, the East coast floods, women’s rights, the TPP, government corruption, the 2016 election. I’m BRAINING like crazy about all those things I can’t do a thing about, while I sit here with dirty hair in the shirt I slept in.

I need to put on pants and go get my medication, obviously.

I hope those suffering from depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses don’t take offense at this post. Believe me, I know that this condition can spiral down and down and it’s no freaking joke. This is just my word-vomit way of taking a small action to get myself back up on the scaffolding – taking back a tiny bit of control.

Remember, there are no small victories. They are all big.

First, pants.

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